The most violent movie of the 1980’s has been remade; and it’s cute enough for your 13-year old Bieber-loving sister to see by herself. That’s right, RoboCop, possibly one of the most quotable and bloody franchises of all time has been made into a family-friendly turd that you can snuggle up against when you get scared of monsters under the bed. I started getting nervous a few weeks ago when they began intermingling DUI warning commercials with a pseudo-trailer for the film, but my fears were confirmed this weekend as I was waiting for the unfortunate ‘Ice Bowl.’ No crucifixion scene. No Red Foreman. No Reagan-era businessman getting shot 50+ times by ED-209. Probably no henchman being turned into a toxic monster. This is horribly disappointing and probably the worst way to start my year off.

I’m going to leave this short before I start swearing. Go to your nearest video store (or Wal-Mart, whatever) and buy the original. Watch it as many times as possible and bathe in its glory. Memorize the quotes. Realize the predictions for Detroit were ridiculously spot-on in possibly the scariest dystopian nightmare ever. Get deep and equate Murphy’s resurrection with that of Christ. Imagine yourself absorbing the unthinkable violence in a 1980’s movie theater. Because guess what? This reboot is going to suck. Bad.